First Contract
by Orion'sProdigy
Summary: Ciel's first attempt at taking a contract doesn't go quite as planned...


**My sister and I saw a post on pinterest (originating on Tumblr) and she was bored. This happened. Enjoy. Beware of potential OOCness, but bear in mind that this is crack, pure and simple.**

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"Are you absolutely positive you want to start taking contracts?" Sebastian drawled, peering up at his master from where he was knelt before him, polishing his boots. "You do have a tendency to get...attached to things."

"I'm bored, Sebastian, and why not? You said yourself it was more fair than just taking souls. You can find us an easy one, can't you?"

He sighed and pulled the cloth away from the leather for a moment, eyeing it critically before starting to polish again.

"You worry me with your assumptions, my lord. If you want to take a contract to consume a soul, _I_ can't very well be the one to accept the contract. As your subordinate, I can certainly assist you in whatever the contractor requires, but you must negotiate the terms for yourself. Otherwise, I will keep the soul."

"Tch. A pain... Fine. How do I find someone who wants a contract?"

"It's like listening for a voice in a crowd, or perhaps trying to catch a very faint scent," Sebastian replied thoughtfully. "If you are looking for it, you will be able to find it. It is very difficult to describe, I'm afraid."

"Let's get started then."

Sighing, the elder demon got to his feet, tucking the rag away and offering Ciel his hand up.

"If you insist, my lord."

He nodded and followed him out the door, trying to "look" for a contract. Sebastian humored him for a little while before sighing again and gesturing him to stop in the shadow of an alley.

"Close your eyes and reach out with your senses. The way we've been practicing, my lord."

He huffed but closed his eyes; it was harder to do than he made it sound. After a few long, fruitless moments, he started to become aware of a strange, almost magnetic pull to the south side of the city they were currently inhabiting. Trusting his instinct, he let his feet move in that direction, sticking to alleys as much as possible.

Sebastian shadowed him, careful not to let himself be caught in the compulsion; he doubted Ciel would appreciate having to share his first catch.

"Now what?" Ciel asked as they crouched in the shadows of a nice but small home.

"Confront the summoner. Go for the dramatic entrance; it's not just vanity. You want to make yourself seem as infallible and powerful as possible. We've worked with your minor magic skills enough. You should be able to pull something off. Then just be careful not to get trapped in an unacceptable bargain."

"Will you stop me if she suggests and unacceptable bargain? I mean... look what happened to you," he smirked.

"You know me better than that, my lord," the demon replied with a rather nasty curl of his lips. "I prefer to teach by experience."

"I order you then."

"As you command, then," he rumbled, bowing deeply. "Better hurry, before the blood dries."

He nodded and thought a moment before melting into the shadows and prowling into the bathroom.

 _Smart. Less of a mess to clean up. I'd better be careful..._

"What boon do you desire of me, mortal, to have summoned me from my lair?"

Sebastian contained a chuckle internally; the words were so cliche. Lair? Really? Perhaps he'd have to take his master to some of those horror movies the humans were so fond of making. At least he'd have more material to work with.

"... _Eep_..."

Sebastian frowned slightly and sniffed at the air.

 _Why would-_ oh, _oh master...Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!_

"Eh-what?" Ciel frowned, peering at the girl sitting on the toilet with irritable red eyes; they swept over the bathroom, coming to land on a box of sanitary pads displaying an unfortunately familiar design. "Oh, you've got to be _kidding_ me..."

"U-ummm...Wh-who are you?" she squeaked, pulling her nightshirt over her knees.

"You-you idiotic mortal!" he growled, snatching the box and shaking it in front of her. "Look at this. Do you know what this is?" He pointed at the symbol on the pad pictured on the box.

The confusion in her eyes only increased.

"...That is my pad. For the blood pouring out of my vagina every single fucking minute for a week. Do you _not_ know?"

Ciel's face reddened to a rather alarming shade, his eye twitching.

"You can't just-you're missing the point-that's a _demonic seal_! What the bloody hell are you doing using it to sop up your god damned blood?!"

"..." she blinked at him, glanced at the pad, and then back again. "... _You're_ Satan? _Really_?"

"Uh-well-that's beside the point!" he blustered, glaring.

"You barely look over sixteen," she frowned, leaning forward and poking him in the forehead. "Are you _sure_? Isn't he supposed to be some hot, broken dude with horns?"

No longer able to contain himself, Sebastian materialized from the shadows, slumping to the floor and positively _dying_ with laughter.

"Oh-oh-oh for the love of-AHAHAHA-you-broken? With _horns?_ Oh, father would just-bahahahaha!"

The girl went red and slumped back onto the toilet, seeming to finally come to terms with her situation.

"Um...Erm..."

"Shut up Sebastian!"

"Oh-HA-ha-ha! I'm s-sorry M-HA-Master! But-but-oh-ho-ho!"

Snarling, Ciel kicked him across the face.

"Knock it off and act your place!" he growled. "What am I supposed to do now?"

Sebastian curled up in a tight ball, wheezing and trying to stop his giggling.

"...Um, excuse me?"

"What?!" Ciel rounded on the girl furiously.

"...Can I have my pads back?"

Ciel frowned and looked to his hand, which still held the box. On the floor at his feet, Sebastian choked out another bark of laughter at the mildly horrified look on his face as he tossed the box back at the girl.

" _ **Sebastian**_."

"Yes, my lord," he snorted, struggling to his knees.

"We have a real problem here. Straighten up right now or I'm going to order you to spend the next ten years contracted to a monkey."

Sighing heavily, the elder demon pushed himself to his feet and ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it down.

"Well...did you at any time plead for help or some kind of relief and then say anything resembling an affirmative while in his presence?" he directed at the girl.

"Er...No," she replied awkwardly.

:There's no contract, then, my lord," Sebastian informed him. "The very nature of the term implies a willing agreement that both parties come to."

"Hmph. Fine." Ciel glared at the girl again and then disappeared.

Sebastian offered a lingering smirk as he faded out of existence after his master.

Early the next morning, Sebastian was called again by his master in a fit of rage.

The cause of said fit was a blog:

 **I Summoned Satan With My Pad And He Was Just A Bitchy Teenage Boy**

Sebastian stuffed his fist into his mouth, managing to pass off the laugh as a cough.

"My, my. You seem to have made quite an impression."

"I order you to take it off! _Now_!"

"I can't take it off, my lord," he replied, arching a brow. "Only the author can."

" _Then make her_."

Sebastian sighed.

"Where's the harm? No one will believe her, my lord."

Ciel fumed in his seat, glaring at the screen, "You are to never speak of this again. Is that clear?"

Sebastian smirked slightly.

"Crystal."

"Go polish the house. And get rid of those damn strays you've been feeding," he scowled, slamming his laptop shut.

"At once, my lord." He bowed deeply and retreated, chuckling to himself.

 _They're hardly strays if I've given them a home..._

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 **Um...I have no words. It was funny at the time of writing it. I hope you all find it as funny as we did. Enjoy!**


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